The top floor of the McClay library was usually a good place for some privacy, but much to Finn’s frustration there sat a student staring at her laptop. She glanced up as he took his seat near the window. Finn nodded to acknowledge her presence and then realised that she was one of his research students.
“So, you’ve discovered my hideout.”
She smiled “I won’t tell on you, honest.” Grainne closed her laptop and gathered her books.
“Please don’t go on my account” said Finn.
“I’m not. My spin class starts in ten minutes.”
He was grateful to have the space to himself once again to mull over his difficult decision. There was no pressing reason for him to disclose his feelings of gender identity. He had hidden his feminine identity for years, what difference if he continued to live with all the traits and wardrobe of masculinity? Well, living a lie was one pretty big reason. How would he tell his wife? Would his teenage daughters understand? Would they face the savagery of social media intolerance? What about his friends and colleagues? Some would surely have misgivings.
His thoughts swirled in confusion until he could see no point in trying to make a decision in that state of mind. Jake had agreed to meet him in the Parlour for a drink. Jake was a good friend and colleague from the School of Politics. They grew up on different sides of the religious divide, but that didn’t seem important to either of them. Finn had got his postgraduate qualifications at Liverpool university, but had been an undergraduate at Queen’s about the same time as Jake. It was strange that they had never met as students.
“You look wrecked” said Jake.
“Fuck you too” said Finn drinking his Guinness greedily.
Jake drank his pint looking sceptically at his friend.
“Did you read the Slugger O’Toole article on higher education?”
“Yeah, yer man Fealty’s right, the English really know how to fuck up university education. Slash places and cap the number of Firsts awarded – genius!”
“This from a centre right think tank. Isn’t that an oxymoron?”
A crowd of lively students came in to take advantage of the pizza-and-a-pint offer.
In a quiet street in West Belfast Finn’s wife, Niamh, was getting ready to take the girls off to netball practice.
“C’mon girls, let’s go!”
“Where are my socks?” asked Grainne.
“Try your dirty clothes basket” her ma answered.
“I can’t wear dirty socks!”
“That’s up to you. We’re leaving now.’
These exchanges were more and more frequent with Grainne. Her room was a tip, but Niamh was determined not to tidy or clean it for her. It was book club night and Niamh looked forward to meeting up with the usual crowd of book lovers. This month they were discussing ‘Trapped’ a murder mystery story. Finn was out with Jake which could turn into a session so Niamh might even manage a glass of wine with her friend Susan at La Bottega before heading home.
Finn was knocking back the black stuff and Jake was struggling to keep up.
“I’ll get some shots in. My stomach’s about to explode.”
“Finn nodded. He was beginning to feel the effects of all that booze on an empty stomach.”
When Jake was at the bar, Finn decided to jump off the cliff. Risking his friendship he readied himself for a barrage of awkward questions.
“Jake, I’m about to tell you something you might not believe or worse still, you’ll believe it, but find it unnatural and revolting.”
“Finn, don’t tell me anything you don’t want to. You’ve had a skinful and you might regret it in the morning.”
“I have to tell someone. It’s eating me up living a lie.”
“Go on then. Whatever it is I’m here for you buddy.” Jake said putting an arm round Finn’s sagging shoulders.
“I am the wrong gender. I should have been a woman.” He hid his face behind his pint and waited for the tirade.
“Thank god. I imagined you were indulging in all kinds of perversion. Does Niamh know?”
“Not yet, I don’t know how to tell her.”
“Just do it. It’s Niamh, she loves you. You still love her don’t you?”
“Of course, but I don’t know what I’d do if I lost her and the kids.”
“Wise up! You’re not going to lose your family. Drink up, I’ve ordered you a taxi.”
odespinner 